It’s no small thing to take up a challenge and stick to it. Before I started, I imagined that I would be sorely tempted to cheat, especially early on, and had even prepared mental drafts of my excuses (”I felt it would be more accessible to others if I revealed my weaker side by eating the entire cheesecake…”). The greatest surprise to me is how easy it has been to stay true to my purpose. This doesn’t mean that I won’t “fall,” of course, or lose hope if I do, but it doesn’t seem to be the great temptation I thought it would be.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+

After my first installment, several readers asked me, in varied ways, why I was doing this. My initial reaction was that I thought the site explained it fairly clearly — the weight loss aspect, the writing aspect — but upon further reflection, I realized that the question touches a host of deeper issues regarding weight, self-image, and societal norms, and that I had not properly addressed those issues. I hope my Apologia for Weight Loss will explain my take on those issues, and explain a little more about who I am, and what I believe.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+

- continued from Monday, June 7th -

During the summer between the sixth and seventh grades, I grew nearly six inches, sprouting out of the following year’s just-purchased school uniform without ever wearing it. My freakish growth had some benefits: at 5′9″, I was suddenly the tallest boy in my class. However, if I was skinny before (and I was), my furious growth accentuated that fact, until I looked like a cross between a scarecrow and a walking skeleton.

I remained actively involved in sports throughout my childhood, playing league soccer and participating in vigorous street sports nearly every day, without ever feeling sapped of strength, and my sudden growth did nothing to slow that down. In football, I became a better receiver, as I could outjump the shorter boys, and in basketball, I found I could hold the ball safely over my head while deciding whether to shoot or pass. Alas, the novelty of superior height was (if you’ll pardon the pun) short-lived, as several classmates staged their own growth spurts during seventh and eighth grade, while my growth stalled. Over the next six years, I grew a scant two inches before reaching my full height, just under six feet.

My diet during the later years of my childhood was similar to their earlier years, only with larger portions. Fast food and junk food were the norm. My appetite never lagged, though my weight-to-height ratio never seemed to climb. One clear memory to illustrate the point: Throughout high school, I could count my ribs in the mirror without holding my breath.

Transportation became an issue when I entered high school. My younger brother generally took the bus to grammar school, while my high school was about six miles in the opposite direction, across the river. My father offered to drive me each morning, but wasn’t available to pick me up in the early afternoon because he was working. We arrived at the mutual decision that bicycling was both feasible and preferable, as it would allow me the independence to participate in after-school activities without the need to coordinate transportation.

My father bought me a Bianchi 12-speed racing bike, far more than I needed for simple transit and, though I didn’t suspect it at the time, the gateway to a new passion. I had been riding bikes for years — mostly banana-seated kids’ rigs — but nothing prepared me for the thrill of my Bianchi, the ease of shifting gears as the terrain and wind dictated, the smoothness of the racing tires coasting across the pavement. My high school commute was just the beginning.

Thrilled by the new sensations of cycling, I started taking longer trips after school, traversing the bike trail along the river basin. My spindly legs took on a decidedly firmer tone. After several months, I purchased my first pair of cycling shoes, with grooved soles for gripping the pedals. As my ability increased, my interest piqued, until I was absolutely hooked. By the middle of my freshman year, I had become (at least in desire) a cyclist.

My interest in cycling coincided with the realization that I was not capable of progressing very far in team sports. I lacked the native talent to make the high school soccer team (which was painfully revealed to me during a freshman tryout that was so hellish it rightly deserves its own story). I was too slight for football, too short for basketball, and too slow for most other sports. I was by no means an excellent cyclist, but as I extended my routes, set goals, and pushed myself, I improved to the point where I could compete with most amateurs. I was especially good on the flats, where I found I could maintain high speeds over long periods.

By necessity, the musculature of my legs improved. My calves (employed mostly for sprints) became tight and wiry, while my thighs (used for longer flat stretches) expanded exponentially. Within a year, the shape of my body had completely changed. My upper body remained scraggly and undefined, but my lower body was much larger and toned.

Cycling had a noticeable effect on my appetite. I presume that my caloric output increased along with my activity level, and I started eating and drinking even more. Though the content of my diet did not change noticeably, my portion sizes definitely increased. I treasure one memory (especially now, as my stomach continues its seemingly constant rumble) of a trip — by bike, of course — to a pizza parlor near my high school, where, alone, I ordered and consumed a large pepperoni pizza and drank a pitcher of soda before riding home.

At the end of high school, after three-and-a-half years of cycling training and a highly disordered and chaotic diet, I was 5′11″ and weighed 165 pounds.

- to be continued Monday, June 21st -

+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Weight Loss Notes - Week Two

Another two-and-a-half pounds gone, and that despite a rather indulgent weekend trip to the San Francisco zoo.
If this week’s menu seems excessive, please know that, with the exception of Saturday’s feasting in San Francisco, all of my portions have been smaller than I would normally consume. I don’t weigh my food or attempt to derive calorie counts because it would be far too difficult and pointless to boot, but trust me that I take “starvation” as seriously as I do “journal.”
My weight loss this week was exactly half of last week’s loss — still a loss, of course, but it made me think, what if that pattern continued? Next week, I would lose 1.25 pounds, 0.625 pounds the following week, and so on. By the ninth week, I would be at 227.5 pounds, and forever doomed to remain there, as I would lose just two-hundredths of a pound that week, one-hundredth the next week, forever edging downward, but eventually undetectable. Under this scenario, my total weight loss, after six months of “starvation” would be just over 10 pounds. I may have to rethink this whole thing.
Two sensations of note this week: first, the constant hunger has subsided, replaced by an almost-constant hunger. (I know I’m splitting hairs, but it is an improvement.) Second, my clothes felt slightly looser, something I haven’t experienced for a great many years.
Menu watchers will note that diet soda disappeared after last Monday. Several readers suggested that aspartame may be more of a hindrance than a help. I’m still researching this, but decided to forgo in the meantime. I was surprised at how easy it was to go cold-turkey. (There may be something to this self-denial concept, after all.)
No noticeable difference on the basketball court Tuesday night; my energy was still high, although my stomach grumbled throughout.
Noting that I listed diet soda and beer but not water, a reader suggested that I increase my water intake, which would be somewhat difficult for me to do. To wit: While testing the menu feature several weeks before launch, I listed “water” morning, afternoon, and evening, as I generally drink 80-100 ounces a day (well more than the recommended daily amount), in addition to other beverages. Besides being repetitive on the menu, water also has no calories, so I decided to omit it from the menu, and simply include a note explaining my water intake. I failed to do so — hence the confusion, and this note. I have also amended “The Ground Rules” to this effect.
Yes, last Sunday, I had a chicken bake for breakfast, and a bowl of cereal for lunch. Don’t ask.

Buy Product NOW!!

Flavors: Macaroni & Cheese, Creamy Chicken Pasta, Fettucini Alfredo

Pasta Entree Nutritional Facts

Creamy Chicken Pasta Serving Size 1 packet (59g)

Amount Per Serving

Calories 220 Calories from Fat 35
% Daily Value
Total Fat 4g 6%
Saturated Fat 2g 10%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 60mg 20%
Sodium 880mg 37%
Potassium 180mg 5%
Total Carbohydrate 35g 12%
Dietary Fiber 1g 4%
Sugars 3g
Protein 12g

Amount Per Serving
Vitamin A 25%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 4%
Iron 2%

Ingredients:
Enriched Pasta (Durum Flour, Egg Solids, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Natural and Artificial Flavors, Milk Protein Isolate, Potassium Caseinate, Butter, Sodium Caseinate, Hydrolyzed Corn Protein, Salt, Cornstarch Carrots*, Nonfat Milk, SUgar, Maltodextrin, Guar Gum, Disodium Inosinate and Disodium Guanylate, Spices, Modified Cornstarch, Gelatin, Onion Powder, Ground Garlic, Dextrose, Gum Arabic, Extract of Turmeric, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and Cottonseed Oil, Chicken Broth, Extract of Onion, FD&C Yellow #5, FD&C REd #40, FD&C Blue #1, Ascorbyl Palmitate and Tocopherols (to preserve freshness).
* Dehydrated

Fettucini Alfredo Pasta Serving Size 1 packet (59g)

Amount Per Serving

Calories 220 Calories from Fat 45
% Daily Value
Total Fat 5g 8%
Saturated Fat 3g 15%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 50mg 17%
Sodium 900mg 38%
Potassium 250mg 7%
Total Carbohydrate 33g 11%
Dietary Fiber 1g 4%
Sugars 3g
Protein 12g

Amount Per Serving
Vitamin A 2%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 15%
Iron 8%

Ingredients:
Enriched Egg Noodles (Durum Semolina, Egg, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, THiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Parmesan Cheese (Pasteurized Milk,Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes), Calcium Caseinate, Whey, Salt, Natural Flavors, Buttermilk, Nonfat Milk, Disodium Phosphate, Butter, Potassium Chloride, Fructose, Guar Gum, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Romano Cheese (Milk, Salt, Cheese Cultures, Enzymes), Ground Garlic, Modified Food Starch, Disodium Inosinate and Disodium Guanylate, Spice, Dextrose, Maltodextrin, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and Cottonseed Oil, Gum Arabic, Corn Syrup Solids, Extract of Tumeric, Extract of Onion, Ascorbyl Palmitate and Tocopherols (to preserve freshness).

Macaroni & Cheese Serving Size 1 packet (59g)

Amount Per Serving
Calories 220 Calories from Fat 40
% Daily Value
Total Fat 4g 6%
Saturated Fat 2g 10%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 10mg 3%
Sodium 900mg 38%
Potassium 150mg 4%
Total Carbohydrate 35g 12%
Dietary Fiber 1g 4%
Sugars 4g
Protein 12g

Amount Per Serving
Vitamin A 0%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 10%
Iron 10%

Ingredients:
Enriched Macaroni (Durum Semolina, Egg Albumin, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Cheddar, Romano and Parmesan Cheeses (Milk,Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes, Annatto [color]), Whey, Salt, Calcium Caseinate, Milk Protein Isolate, Buttermilk, Natural Flavors, Romano Cheese (Sheep’s and Cow’s Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes), Modified Food Starch, Guar Gum, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Sodium Phosphate, Lactic Acid, Disodium Phosphate, Annatto Extract (color), FD&C Yellow #5, FD&C Yellow #6, Paprika Extract (color).

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Restricted caloric intake is required to lose weight. Consult a physician before starting a diet or exercise program.

View More Info

I am not starving, of course, not in any meaningful sense of the word. For the last week, I have intentionally reduced my intake of food, and intend to continue to do so for the next six months. My conscious mind knows and understands this. However, I haven’t been able to properly explain it to my body, which is employing every evolutionary device it knows — glandular secretions to sharpen my hunger, lowered blood sugar levels, and unusually heightened senses of smell and taste — to compel me to eat more food.

Avoiding that, of course, is the whole point of this exercise. The intended irony in the name Weight Loss Journal is that while hundreds of millions of people on this planet live in true poverty, and millions of these are quite literally starving, I have never been without food a day in my life. And yet, as expected, when I cut back on my daily intake, my body goes into panic mode, notwithstanding the fact that I’m easily 50 pounds overweight, with plenty of reserves to spare. My body will have to start converting these reserves as my intake is reduced even more drastically in the coming months. The sooner it realizes this, the better.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+

A bit of biography may help to explain this project and its author. In three weeks, I will celebrate my 35th birthday. I have been married to my best friend, who will be 35 in August, for 16 years, and we currently have seven children. (When you have seven children by 35, it’s important to stress “currently,” as this statistic seems to change quite rapidly.)

In September 1986, less than a month before I first met my wife, I weighed 165 pounds on a 5′11″ frame, with a wiry musculature from four years of active bicycling, a 30-inch waist, and a 30-inch inseam. When we married a year later, I was still quite trim. Four years later, my waist was still just 32 inches. And that’s when everything changed. By the end of 1992, at age 24, my weight shot past 200 pounds for the first time, while my waist increased from 32 inches to 36 inches, not even bothering to pause at 34. Over the next two to three years, my weight slowly and steadily increased until I passed 225 pounds, with a 38-inch waist. Since 1995, though my waist size has remained the same, my weight has fluctuated between 225 and nearly 250 pounds. At the start of this project, my weight was over 237 pounds — an increase of more than 70 pounds since 1986.

The irony is that I’m not used to being “the fat guy” — in fact, quite the opposite. For the first two decades of my life, I was painfully thin. It wasn’t that my appetite was low. On the contrary, I ate fairly substantial amounts of food, though most of what I ate would be best classified as junk food or fast food.

My fractured family situation clearly contributed to my diet, or lack thereof. My parents divorced when I was six years old, with my mother moving out and ceding custody of the three boys to my father. My older brother, who was nine when my parents separated, had a serious form of cystic fibrosis, a degenerative genetic disease that would claim his life just prior to his 14th birthday.

I don’t have clear memories of our diet when my mother was with living with us, but my diet through grade school was fairly static — for breakfast, a bowl of cereal (usually highly sugared) or a frozen waffle, and a glass of juice; for lunch, a sandwich (PB&J or processed luncheon meat), pretzels or chips, beef jerky, and a juice box; and for dinner, either fast food (McDonald’s and Taco Charlie’s were among the favorites) or frozen foods (such as Stouffer’s french bread pizzas). When he found the time, my father would try to liven things up a bit with specialties such as processed ham and cheese melts. We usually had some fresh fruit in the house — apples and bananas were the most common — but the only vegetables we ate, with rare exceptions, were frozen or canned. We also had plenty of treats in the house: candy bars, pudding cups, ice cream sandwiches, and so on.

Given the strains of the divorce, the demands of raising three boys (one seriously ill), and the responsibilities of holding down a steady job, it’s not surprising that the four food groups would rank somewhat low on my father’s list of priorities. We certainly never went hungry.

My older brother’s illness greatly suppressed his appetite. He tended to eat very small portions, when he would eat at all. The nutrient shakes and supplemental snacks my father provided were only minimally effective, as he would often simply not eat them, or pretend to eat them only to hide them or throw them away. Throughout his life, my older brother was painfully gaunt.

I, on the other hand, was anything but a reluctant eater, devouring most anything placed before me, often with second and third helpings, and snacking throughout the day. Even so, gnawing hunger pangs haunted me, so I simply ate and ate and ate.

I shudder now to think at the damage done to my metabolism during those years. If my caloric intake during my grade school years was excessive, my consumption of sugar was nothing short of obscene. Very few things passed my lips that were not either sugar-coated, sugar-based, or composed mainly of corn syrup derivatives. I still consider it a minor miracle that I did not develop diabetes.

And yet, in spite of the quantity and (dubious) quality of the food I consumed, I remained painfully, obviously thin.

- to be continued Monday, June 14th -

+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Weight Loss Notes - Week One

• A strong start — five pounds in six days — but not entirely unexpected. My past efforts (exercise regimens, cutting out sugar, etc.) have resulted in quick drops, followed by long plateaus. Hope springs eternal, though.
• While my June 4th dinner intake looks excessive in print (a barbecued chicken breast with two hot dogs and three beers?), I have to admit upon reflection (and with no small shame) that it’s considerably less food than I used to consume on such occasions.
• I usually play basketball at my parish on Tuesday nights, but had a more sedate evening of chess last week (and I actually won!). Basketball resumes this week.